A Sure-Fire Weight Loss Method

LOSE WEIGHT! 2 KG IN TWO WEEKS!!! NO DIET! NO EXERCISE!!! SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN!!!!!

I have grabbed your attention haven’ I! But I do have a secret way of losing weight…all in due course.

When I first became weight conscious, I was told it was a simple equation. Calorie intake less than calorie expense equals weight loss. For an 80 kg moderately sedentary individual, that means an intake of around 1700 calories (cals) a day, if he wants to lose a half kg of weight every two weeks. Have you tried restricting yourself to 1700 cals a day when a slice of pizza is 300 cals and a cafe latte 200?

So then you turn to a calorie counting app for help, and you get the shock of your life when you realize that a small teaspoon of coconut chutney for “idlis” is 90 calories, and you can no longer justify slurping a whole “vati” of 400 cals of chutney.

You then figure out that if you want to go up to 2000 cals of intake a day, you need to expend an additional 300 cals. So then you start running or going to the gym, so that a 4 km run gives you the right to eat another 400 cals. But then you feel thirsty and down goes a 300-400 cals non-diet cola or fruit drink. (Non-diet cola is the new name for regular cola, though how anyone can quaff that bitter diet stuff is beyond me. And it’s best not to name drink brands these days unless you want to get Hamdardised).

Just when you think you’ve got the balance of intake and expense right, someone tells you that you also have to pay attention to the quality of the cals you eat. For example, Doritos chips and Oreo cookies are considered “bad” for weight control! In which case, you might as well stop living.

Or you can go the “Jain” way.

Do an “athai”! Wait for “Pajosan” time and change your religion for 8 days if you are non-Jain. Go without food and have plain water (chilled is allowed). Eight days of fasting will get your weight down by 9 kg, 3 kg of which you will put on once the fast ends and you start drinking water. You then have a year to either put the 6 kg back on or get down to 1700 cals a day and maintain your minus 6 kg weight. And if you want…do another “athai” the next year. Nirvana + weight loss… what could be better!

The problem really though is during vacations. When the breakfast buffet beckons, the lunch table groans and the dinner dessert glistens is when paunch envy sets in. You then wish you could just be like the rest of middle and upper middle class India…seriously overweight and not bothered.

Oh, OK! So what is the secret?

Simple! Stay in Ladakh for an extended period of time. Two weeks of vacation equals a loss of two kg of weight despite a 2-eggs and four-toasts breakfast and reasonable-sized vacation lunches and dinners.

It’s all about the height! The higher you live…oh and the 77th floor of a building in Mumbai doesn’t count…the more weight you lose.

So…forget the calorie counts, the “athais”, the running and the gym. All you need is to shift to Leh or Siachen or Tawang. While you may freeze to death in the winters or your brain may swell till it bursts or you may get clots in your lungs…you will still lose weight! And it’s all scientifically validated! Seriously!

10 Comments

  • Dr mona Badani wrote:

    I didn’t know this!
    Thanks!
    But d next vacation is definitely there!!!!

  • Sundaram M R wrote:

    Where is my flight to Ladakh? Bring it on…………Wait…….. what happens when I return to amchi mumbai?

  • sriganesh wrote:

    I would rather to live up to my name and maintain my girth!
    Sri Ganeshya Namha

  • Pushpendra Shah wrote:

    I think I have just lost 0.2 grams laughing out aloud after reading this article…. Well another several thousand such articles to go . . . .

  • Armaity wrote:

    To some this may be a laughing matter but overweight is a BIG problem. When children are small they are overfed by loving parents and later when they grow up loving food and all kinds of food the parents begin to feel anxious because now their children have entered into marriageable age!
    Who will marry my fatso child?
    So parents are guilty to start with. Whenever they want to reward a child or bribe a child we, parents always offer >chocolates, ice-creams etc. Do we ever offer spinach, carrots, etc? No !
    In my case, I was obese and so tried several diets, all diets lasted for 2 weeks as they showed results like 2-3 kg drop in the weight. Just the elation of this result, resulted in rewarding myself with just one ice-cream, just one kebab, just one piece of cake! When such ‘Menkas’ are on the plate then no doubt that they can break the meditation of the RishiMunis! This yoyo went on resulting in hypo thyroid, depressin, etc. I joined yoga classes, went to Bangalore too, but the temptation always overtook me. Then in 2009, at the young age of 69+ I too came across a leaflet stating, Lose wt, no ex. no dieting, result assured.So I decided to call up and got into the big van. I was prescribed shakes to supplement meals, one time meal was allowed and some food supplements to boost my immune system and other vitamins. Since I am a lazy person, I liked this diet where I do not have to weigh, measure, cut, prepare food according to the dieticians’ charts. Now after three and a half year of continuing this process, I have lost 16kgs and 6 inches from the tummy. BUT I learnt one thing that we can never relax and give up. Which ever diet one chooses, one MUST CONTINUE. Of course at my age I do indulge as I am not too keen to look like Merlyn Monro ! But I got energy and became more mobile instead of a couch potato! For obese people or hereditary weight gain, one MUST STICK TO SOME DIET OR THE OTHER. Wishing all of you good luck!

  • jamna varadhachary wrote:

    I must seriously consider shifting to Ladakh if I ever dream of having a sylph like figure!!!

  • Jayesh Desai wrote:

    Those who are interested in physics and maths of calories intake and output will find Walter Levin’s “For the Love Of Physics” interesting. He explains how it is nearly impossible to shed calories in sustained manner and that ultimately we all pay price for tucking in more then required for sustenance.

  • […] After last week’s satire on the many ways to lose weight, I received an email from a con­cerned indi­vid­ual. “Firstly, you are wrong to con­nect Jain­ism with weight loss. Jain ter­mi­nol­ogy is not for los­ing weight, but rather to purify the soul by means of fast­ing. Hence it is inap­pro­pri­ate for you to spread the fact that every­one should do an “Atthai” just to lose their excess kilos. Secondly, while prop­a­gat­ing the “Atthai” fad, you also mis­un­der­stood the fact that an “Atthai” is done only for the attain­ment of sal­va­tion, and not for the attain­ment of mate­ri­al­is­tic gains such as “weight loss”. This in turn would com­pletely nul­lify the pur­pose of the fasts. Thirdly, you should not have men­tioned that one can drink “chilled water” dur­ing an “Atthai”. One can­not relax such reg­u­la­tions, unless backed by reli­gious scrip­tures. Lastly, please refrain from writ­ing about any reli­gion (unless you have all your fun­das) as it has a DEEP IMPACT ON YOUNG, IMPRESSIONABLE MINDS. I think you the Jain com­mu­nity an apology.” […]

  • Maitreyee Sinkar wrote:

    The Ladhak thing is true! I ll vouch for it!!

  • I understand this article is in a lighter vein.

    But seriously, keeping fit is not only beneficial materially, but spiritually too.

    Materially, if we are physically fit due to moderate diet and exercise, it means less trips to the doctor and less expenses on medicines.

    It is mentioned in the Gita, that spiritual life is not meant for those who eat too little or sleep too little and neither is it for those who eat too much and sleep too much.
    But one who is moderate in his habits of eating, sleeping, working and recreation can mitigate all material pains.

    http://www.asitis.com/6/16.html

    http://www.asitis.com/6/17.html

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