LOSE WEIGHT! 2 KG IN TWO WEEKS!!! NO DIET! NO EXERCISE!!! SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN!!!!!
I have grabbed your attention haven’ I! But I do have a secret way of losing weight…all in due course.
When I first became weight conscious, I was told it was a simple equation. Calorie intake less than calorie expense equals weight loss. For an 80 kg moderately sedentary individual, that means an intake of around 1700 calories (cals) a day, if he wants to lose a half kg of weight every two weeks. Have you tried restricting yourself to 1700 cals a day when a slice of pizza is 300 cals and a cafe latte 200?
So then you turn to a calorie counting app for help, and you get the shock of your life when you realize that a small teaspoon of coconut chutney for “idlis” is 90 calories, and you can no longer justify slurping a whole “vati” of 400 cals of chutney.
You then figure out that if you want to go up to 2000 cals of intake a day, you need to expend an additional 300 cals. So then you start running or going to the gym, so that a 4 km run gives you the right to eat another 400 cals. But then you feel thirsty and down goes a 300-400 cals non-diet cola or fruit drink. (Non-diet cola is the new name for regular cola, though how anyone can quaff that bitter diet stuff is beyond me. And it’s best not to name drink brands these days unless you want to get Hamdardised).
Just when you think you’ve got the balance of intake and expense right, someone tells you that you also have to pay attention to the quality of the cals you eat. For example, Doritos chips and Oreo cookies are considered “bad” for weight control! In which case, you might as well stop living.
Or you can go the “Jain” way.
Do an “athai”! Wait for “Pajosan” time and change your religion for 8 days if you are non-Jain. Go without food and have plain water (chilled is allowed). Eight days of fasting will get your weight down by 9 kg, 3 kg of which you will put on once the fast ends and you start drinking water. You then have a year to either put the 6 kg back on or get down to 1700 cals a day and maintain your minus 6 kg weight. And if you want…do another “athai” the next year. Nirvana + weight loss… what could be better!
The problem really though is during vacations. When the breakfast buffet beckons, the lunch table groans and the dinner dessert glistens is when paunch envy sets in. You then wish you could just be like the rest of middle and upper middle class India…seriously overweight and not bothered.
Oh, OK! So what is the secret?
Simple! Stay in Ladakh for an extended period of time. Two weeks of vacation equals a loss of two kg of weight despite a 2-eggs and four-toasts breakfast and reasonable-sized vacation lunches and dinners.
It’s all about the height! The higher you live…oh and the 77th floor of a building in Mumbai doesn’t count…the more weight you lose.
So…forget the calorie counts, the “athais”, the running and the gym. All you need is to shift to Leh or Siachen or Tawang. While you may freeze to death in the winters or your brain may swell till it bursts or you may get clots in your lungs…you will still lose weight! And it’s all scientifically validated! Seriously!