How to Become a Doctor in Four Weeks

Here is a roadmap of how to become a doctor in four weeks or less and to earn more than conventional physicians and surgeons.
First, take a reiki course for a week and become a reiki-master or expert. Understand the nuances of the posturing and hand movements and the importance of correct jargon. Once this has been mastered, take a small course in pranic-healing. At the same time, start reading books or surf the net for information on vastushastra and feng-shui or attend classes. Along with this, pick up tomes on gem therapy, aromatherapy and magnetotherapy and attend classes if required.
This should not take more than four weeks.
Once you are ready, start first with your friends and family. Initially, take on only those people who have coughs and colds, vague aches and pains, backache, general discomfort, heartburn, and conditions, which generally don’t get enough attention from practitioners of conventional medicine. Spend time with them, while practicing the various movements and spouting the correct jargon. Encourage them to talk about themselves and don’t be surprised when they come up with a lot of repressed feelings, buried fears and angst about their lives and the futures of their families and themselves. Impress them by correctly pinpointing their problems, citing causes such as lack of sleep, faulty diet, “fast” lives, occasional depression, etc. all of which will be present to some degree or another in the majority of people.
In no time, they will start recommending you to their other friends and acquaintances and you will get known. Become serious, adopt a slightly superior but not condescending or patronizing air and charge the earth. The more expensive you are, the better you will be considered. Get yourself a consulting room, either in your house or outside and design it to look extremely ethnic with low-settees, earthy colors, incense, pots, curtains, brocade, zari, malas and the like.
When the first really serious patient comes in, give an impression that you understand the problem in detail. Ask for all the papers, read the doctors’ notes, the pathology and radiology reports and make some pithy comments like, “Hmm…Whew…Tough…”. Even if you don’t have the foggiest idea of where the liver is or what the function of the pancreas is or can’t pronounce medulla oblongata, don’t worry. Just keep muttering ” modern medicine…tch tch” and keep shaking your head. When the patient or the relatives look at you wide-eyed with expectation and hope, tell them “Don’t worry…we’ll set things right”. Don’t ever tell them to stop the treatment they have been advised by the practitioners of modern medicine, whether it involves drugs or surgery. If the treatment is successful, take the credit for it, by saying that it worked only because of all the reiki, etc that was applied. If the treatment is unsuccessful and the patient worsens, blame it on “allopathic” medicine and its ills and the “hard” drugs and “cutting” surgery. You can’t go wrong!
You can further impress the patients by keeping their pathology reports and x-rays and doing reiki on them saying that by targeting the diseases from the reports, you can heal them faster.
You will get disbelievers and relatives trying to expose you. The more educated they are, the easier it is to convert them. Drop words like “cosmic energy”, “positive biofeedback”, “yin and yang”, “forces of life”, “negative and positive energy”, “environmental pollution” and if you are a little smarter, “global heating”, “ozone hole”, “man ruining Gaia, earth’s life force” and “El Nino”, mix everything into a goulash that is so complicated, it just cannot be challenged, add anecdotes of miraculous healing either by you or preferably by your reiki-master along with phone numbers and references of the “master” (not the patient, silly) and you’ll probably have them slurping the palms of your hands.
Never promise too much! Don’t say that you can make a man paralytic for 20 years, walk, but do say that “I can make him feel better and maybe in the future he might start walking”. Who knows what miracles modern medicine might throw up in the future…at that time, if you are still around, you can take the credit for everything. Don’t ever tell them to stop taking their conventional treatment, or you will be doomed.
Add a “Dr” before your name to make you sound big. No one will say anything to you in India. Also add a few initials like MR (master of reiki), PHE (pranic healing expert), VC (vastu consultant) and get an MRSH (Member of the Royal Society of Health), a certificate from Britain (the foreign stamp) which even a Municipal sweeper can get provided he pays the necessary pounds in fees.
Without the ten to fifteen years of solid hard work that conventional doctors have to go through, without exams, without the struggle to establish a practice and a name, without any knowledge whatsoever of anatomy or physiology, without even knowing how to pronounce medical words, you will be able to become a successful doctor. It just needs some savvy and street-smarts.
All this in just four weeks! And never compromise on your charges. Ever! And always charge more than conventional doctors, to justify your rapport with the universal soul as well as to make as much money as possible while the going is good.
Of course, you could also pay some money to an obscure University in Bihar or Uttar Pradesh and get an actual MBBS certificate…that would give you even more legitimacy. Imagine patients saying, “an MBBS doctor advising reiki, pranic healing, etc…there must be something in all this.” Of course, this can only be started in an obscure place where no one knows that you haven’t actually done an MBBS. But there are enough such places in India, aren’t there!

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