Man From Matunga

With noth­ing but budget-related tamasha all over, here is some­thing that might help divert your mind away from this rub­bish. Trust me! The bud­get as a rule is usu­ally com­pletely irrel­e­vant for you and I.

Last week, at a Gujju com­mu­nity din­ner, I ran into a colleague’s par­ents.  While catch­ing up with them, I remem­bered that they also had other chil­dren and I politely asked about them. They told me that two of their daugh­ters were in the US. I jok­ingly remarked that they must be on “baby” duty and they said quite wearily “We’ve just come back after being there for four months”. I again joked, “It must be tough” and they said, “It just gets more and more difficult”.

I know my friends in the US are going to pan me for this!

For those who are still won­der­ing what I am talk­ing about!

When chil­dren (young adults) migrate to the US and have their own chil­dren, their par­ents from India keep mak­ing trips to the US to help them take care of the grand­chil­dren.  Typ­i­cally, one mother goes for 4–6 months, then the other mother and the fathers usu­ally take turns going for shorter periods.

Up to just five years ago, no par­ent doing “baby” duty for the child’s child would com­plain. In the tra­di­tion of our bhar­tiya san­skruti that makes sure that only those who fall at the feet of their elders are con­sid­ered “good” peo­ple, par­ents doing baby duty were assumed to be the ulti­mate par­ents. It was always under­stood that this was a good thing for them, being able to travel to the US and spend time in that “won­der­ful” country…even if all of this meant a total dis­rup­tion of their daily rou­tines in India and the lives of those con­tin­u­ing to live in India.

But now, as with every­thing else that is chang­ing in India, par­ents too are slowly crib­bing. I spoke to a cou­ple of them to under­stand what their issues were and this is what I was told!

They don’t like liv­ing in the sub­urbs, where most suc­cess­ful Indi­ans tend to live. Sub­ur­ban life with­out pub­lic trans­port makes the par­ents com­pletely depen­dent on their chil­dren if they want to get any­where. A week or two is fine…but more is tor­ture. It’s much eas­ier in cities like Chicago and New York with eas­ily acces­si­ble trains, buses and cabs.

They don’t like leav­ing their social net­works and friends and fam­ily and spend­ing time away from their spouses. There is only so much tele­vi­sion one can watch (even if Star and Zee and Sony are available)…waiting till the week­ends to social­ize doesn’t work.

While many par­ents are happy to be with their chil­dren for the first 2–3 months after deliv­ery as a one-time trip, they don’t like being taken for granted for more such vis­its. Many moth­ers these days have their own lives and careers, which they are unwill­ing to put on extended hold, even for their own children.

Then there are smaller issues, like the bed­rooms being on the first floor of big houses, with the kitchen on the ground floor, mak­ing it really dif­fi­cult for those with back, knee and hip issues.

And the final words of advice! Some par­ents will always be more than happy to be with their chil­dren. Great! But quite a few may not want to do so, and will travel only because their chil­dren insist a lot or emo­tion­ally black­mail them. This is for those children…don’t force your par­ents! These days, the par­ents might actu­ally turn around and say…”Sorry, No!”